Grieving....

Grieve. Such a small word to describe the unknown feelings we’re battling for the loss of someone. So small that it doesn’t even explain neither things that we go through nor effects of it to our body and the people around us. What grieving really is? How do you know you are experiencing it? How would you know that you’re over it and ready to open another chapter in your life?

We heard terrible news last night - my father-in-law died. When my wife heard about it, she just couldn’t speak, she’s weeping. Then the sound grows louder until it became a full on cry. She couldn’t stop herself from crying. Being a son-in-law I thought I wouldn’t be very much involved, but the sorrow of my wife is just so intense that it gets me… and before I knew it I was crying with her.

I tried to reason and see the brighter side of things. But you see, news like this, doesn’t matter if it was broken to you in a good wrapping, still hard to see the brighter side of things - even reasoning is difficult. And so I just let my wife cried… let her emotions out.

Honestly, I’m feeling helpless, awkward and unsure. I’m scared I might say the wrong things and make it worse for my wife. Besides I don’t know how I can extend my help to make things a little better… if not lighter.

I heard there are stages of grieving, first is absorbing – this is when the bad news was broken and the person is trying to understand what really is happening. Some people take minutes others take days, weeks, months and sometimes years before they can have a feel of what’s happening. In the case of my wife, I don’t know if she has absorbed it yet…. only she can tell.

Mourning – this is the stage where you express your loss. This is the most difficult stage of grieving because some people never come out of it the same – some people die from it. This is the stage when we should give all our support and understanding. Mourning’s duration is indefinite… for some this takes forever.

To get out of mourning one needs to accept the loss. This is crucial as the person needs to do it for herself, although we can still help her by being always there for her, ready to comfort her. Sometimes retelling the story over and over again help her come to acceptance, so if she wants to talk, let her talk and listen, with each retelling more often the pain lessens.

And finally, the cross road. This is the part when the person needs to decide what to do with her life. She can choose to move on, which is the correct and prudent way to do, go back to grieving or stay where she is.

I trust that all these things will come easy to my wife…. I pray so.

2nd Chances

I was watching repeats of ‘Batman’ last Saturday. Can’t remember the episode title but the one I’m watching has a part where batman failed to save Robin from the joker. Joker killed Robin but some guy bathed Robin in Lazarus spring. The spring is known for its fountain of youth, if you’re dead the spring will bring you back to life. To cut the story short, Robin was brought back to life but he’s way different from what he used to be.

Robin became one of those notorious criminals that batman is battling everyday. Worse, Robin is now killing people.

Well, at the end of the episode Robin failed to avenge his death from the joker (as joker got away), batman saved him from the joker (this time he’s successful) but Robin got away too… and batman couldn’t find him… and he’s not even sure if he’s going back to his old self.

As you can see, robin was given a 2nd chance to relive his life. But what is 2nd chance really is? Is it to better our life? Is it to correct the things we’ve done wrong? Is it to make amends to people that we’ve wronged? Or is it to avenge our misfortune?

In robin’s case, he used his 2nd chance to take revenge. But by doing so, he has hurt more people and had more mistakes. Was he right to use his 2nd chance that way?

How many 2nd chances do we get? Do we get one for every major mistake? If so, is it still right to call it ‘2nd chance’?

I guess different people use their 2nd chances depending on their understanding of their past lives. Some use the last moment before their downfall to evaluate how to use their 2nd chances. And others use it to find reason why they failed.

Not everyone is given a 2nd chance, and not everyone is able to realise that a 2nd chance is given to them… but if you were given one, I hope that you’ll use it wisely, for 2nd chance is just exactly what it is – a second chance.

Overtake

I was in a freeway driving home when a cab cut me without any signal. I was furious at the cab driver and I wanted to get even. I changed lane, drove faster and tried to overtake the cab. When my window is paralleled to the driver, I gave him the look, cut him and slowed down. He horned at me, opened his window and yell. I was feeling a different sort of happiness when I noticed the driver changed lane. I knew he wants to overtake and so I drove faster…. then I lost him.

Knowing that I’ve lost the cab driver I went back to my normal driving speed. My wife, oblivious to what happened, is asleep next to me taking advantage of the few minute-rest she gets. As I looked at my wife I thought - she’s peaceful and beautiful, I told myself – God I love my wife so much. But why did I react to the cab driver like the way I reacted to him few minutes ago? Why didn’t I just let him go, instead I got even? What if something wrong happened that costed me my wife or my life, what will I do?

More often in our lives we react based on impulse. We often forgot the repercussions of our actions, we failed to see the ‘after’ part of our impulsive decision, we are more focused on the ‘now’. My ‘now’ with the cab driver was to ‘get even’, if only I thought about the danger of getting even in the freeway my ‘now’ would have been – letting the cab driver go.

Good thing nothing wrong happened, no one got hurt.

I was almost at the exit when I saw the cab driver behind me, he changed lane, overtook me. I know he didn’t notice me because he didn’t say anything nor blink his headlights, he just went pass me. I wanted to say sorry for my reaction but I’m close to my exit, and so I let him go.

I wanted to tell him what he did was not safe and could lead to accidents. I wanted to tell him to stop cutting drivers as it doesn’t just put himself in danger; he also endangers his passengers and other drivers. But he’s gone and I’m exiting.

How do I stop myself from reacting based on impulse? How can I get myself into a routine to think about the repercussions of my actions? How do I make my moral compass points correctly, always?

I’m relieved that nothing happened and we got home safely, though I’m not happy with my initial reaction to the driver. I knew I didn’t do the right thing, otherwise I wouldn’t be feeling this way.

Sa Iyong Pagtanda......

Batid ko ang hirap na iyong pinagdanasan
Pati na ang mga hirap na pagdadanasan
Kaya sa iyong pagtanda ako ay asahan
Na makakasama mo sa ano mang paraan.

Kung ang paningin ay unti unting lumalabo
At mga kamay ay nanginginig,
Aakayin ka, sasamahan ka
Kaya kumapit sa aking bisig.

Patawarin mo ako kung ako ay mabilis,
At kung minsan tila nagmamalabis,
Hindi ko nais na ikaw ay mainis
Mabilis lamang ako kumilos, mag-isip.

At kung minsan ay di kita mapansin,
Huwag mag alala pagkat ikaw pa rin
Ang nag iisang mahal sa aking buhay
Kaya buong puso sa iyo ay alay.

Kung ang aking boses minsan ay tuminis,
Hindi nangangahulugan na ako ay galit,
Ako lamang ay pagod, tali sa mga isipin
Kaya huwag mag atubili na ako ay yakapin.

Kung sa iyong pagtulog ay di ka mahagkan,
Pagkat ayaw kong magambala ang iyong pahinga,
Ganun pa man, madalas kitang pagmasdan,
At nangingiti sa tuwing nahihimbing ka.

Kasabay ay panalangin na naway sayong panaginip,
Masasayang himig ang iyong inaawit,
Mga halakhak natin nung ako pa’y maliit,
Ang pawang tinig na iyong naririnig.

Mapapansing ako ay tahimik sa isang tabi,
Walang imik, nag iisip at di mapakali,
Sa mga paraan upang ikaw ay sumaya,
Paano ko ihihingi na dugtungan ka pa NYA.

At kung minsan ay di kita maintindihan,
Huwag magtampo, huwag magalit ng taimtim,
Ito ay gawa ng maraming dahilan,
Pero hindi sapat upang ikaw ay manimdim.

Sa iyong pagtanda, iyong pakatandaan.
Di mo man ako maalala, makilala o matandaan
Iingatan ka, sasamahan at gagabayan.
Hangang sa iyong huling hantungan.


Original Composition: Dyun A.

Unconditional love

It was weekend and I can hear my two dogs barking and running around the backyard. They are normally this loud when the local birds started gnawing the fruit of my next door neighbour’s palm tree, and when some of these birds steal their dog food. I tried to ignore them and got up, washed up and walked straight to the kitchen where my breakfast is waiting for me… thanks to my lovely wife who woke up early to make me some breakfast.

As I was drinking my coffee, I couldn’t help but watch my two dogs as they chase the local birds. I sort of get a different kind of joy just watching them getting busy and playing with the birds and each other. I then thought, what could be going through their minds? What could they be thinking of? If they can talk, what would they tell me?

Both of my dogs are well-loved dog. Elmo is our first. He was just little when we got him, no bigger than my palm. When he was young, he always sleeps on one of my feet, and licks my feet as I went pass him. Look at him now; he covers almost their entire bed. My wife says I’m Elmo’s favourite. Well, he’s my favourite too. He was the first one that stole my heart – he’s just adorable.

King was my Christmas gift to my wife. He’s a purebred Maltese. We got him when he was 4 week’s old. I still remember when we picked him up – my wife was holding him on her lap, he was sleeping on her palm and I was holding his hand. He would occasionally lick my hand and would go back to sleep. He was so fragile then. Now he barks like a big dog. Funny how time flies.

I went out to join them. As soon as they saw me they both ran towards me and greeted me with exaggeration. I sat on the steps of the stairs and allowed King to kiss me on my ears while Elmo sat next to me and kissing my other ear. Elmo put his head under my hands asking for a scratch while king laid on the floor waiting for some tickle. I then grabbed the tennis ball at the door of their kennel and started playing ‘fetch’ – they love ‘fetch’! Elmo always gets to the ball first but King has ways of stealing it from him. It was really nice playing with them. After the game I gave them both some chicken necks and we all sat on the swing. King jumped on my left and rested on my left leg while Elmo jumped on the right and rested on my right leg. I was giving them both a good scratch.

As I was doing this I couldn’t help contemplate on how wonderful dogs are – of how they can give us their 100% and not get upset if we just return 5% of it or less. How patient they are - they waited for me to get home and welcomed me just like they’ve never seen me for a very long time. They always sit next to me or on my lap even after I’ve scolded them. They never get jealous even if I went out with my friends knowing they only have me. Their love never falters even though I’ve changed. They don’t criticise my looks, colour and gender. They never walked out on me when I looked horrible and wasted. They just love me without condition.

After that, I thought of giving them a good walk to the park. So up we went and grabbed their leashes… we’re off to the park!

Photo: Nik, Mahal, King and Elmo, Feb. 2010

The rain and me....

I love the rain. Where I grew up we periodically get rain. During this time I would shower in the rain, walk in the rain, or sometimes just tuck-in bed listening to the raindrops tapping on the roof. I love the sound the rain makes when it hits something solid and the cold air that it brings.

My aunt would not let me walk in the rain, she always thinks that we can catch all sort of diseases from the rain. Coincidently, some kids that did walk in the rain get fever the next day, but that’s the only thing they caught as far as I can remember - a fever. And every time my aunt talks me out of it I always think – well, it’s supposed to be clean because it’s from the sky, right? So how come some mother’s don’t let their kids play in the rain? Why some of us believe on something we have not witnessed? How come often people can’t agree on something so easily understood?

During the time when the questions are important to me, I would close my eyes and allow the rhythm of the raindrops take my mind to places where I can explore the questions further. I would tilt my head upward to catch some of the water that goes with the cold air, somehow the sensation fuels me to dig deeper. I would often get lost in this journey.

As the elements around me absorb my being, my questions were splits into words and then by syllables, making them hard to recognise. And when I open my eyes they are hit by the electromagnetic waves which everyone agreed to call ‘light’ and the different colours that go with it. The ‘acoustics’ in the air, which we call ‘sound’, relentlessly goes through my ears which my essence tries to decipher their meanings. What I call blue and loud maybe perceived by others as different colour and sound. We may agree on a name, shape or sound but really the perception of it is personal.

How are you?

Most of the plants around my house are low-maintenance, I hardly water them and yet they continue to grow and flower. There are two mad-flowering plants in front of the house that are taking advantage of the winter season, they just wouldn’t stop flowering. As I was walking to get the mail I noticed my jacaranda stopped growing. I checked its leaves, some are turning brown. I then I looked around, this is the only plant that’s suffering, although everyone is lacking attention. What is my jacaranda trying to tell me?

Everyday, before i get in the car, I quickly scan the plants around the house. The two mad flowering plants always caught my attention; seeing them flowering and healthy I then thought everyone is doing just the same - that everyone is doing well. It was a shock actually to see that my jacaranda is slowly dying when most of the plants are taking advantage of the cold and wet weather.

And then I thought, this must be the real me in all aspects of my life. Everyday I take a quick recollection about the people around me, and learning that one of them is doing well, I stopped and get on with what I’m doing. I forgot to call each one and personally ask them how they are doing. Some have started a family, graduated college, moved job or moved house and I don’t even know it. I just know that they are doing well.

I hope I’m not too late to save my jacaranda tree, this, amongst my plants is my wife’s favourite. I hope I get to remember to water it everyday before I retire for the day, and check all of them every weekend. And while I’m at it, I’d probably start making calls to the people that I really care… and ask them “how are you doing?”

How are you doing?